What is consent?

What is consent? It is an interesting question. One that likes to be debated. One that most people still don't seem to have a good grasp on. I was pondering this question the other day and was reading one of my old zines (i love zines) and a little slip of paper fell out from between the pages answering the question for me.
I cannot and I am not taking credit for this. But would like to copy it out onto here for you all to read because it kick ass! There was no author or anything on the piece of paper and I consider it to be a meme thats purpose is to be passed around and to provide information to its readers...

WHAT IS CONSENT?
Consent is an agreement that people must make if they want to have sexual contact. The issue of consent can be a complicated and ambiguous area that needs to be addresses with clear, open and honest communication. Keep these points in mind if you are not sure consent has been established:


All partners need to be fully concious and aware.
The use of alcohol or other substances can interfere with someone's ability to make clear desicions about the level of intimacy they are comfortable with. The more intoxicated a person is, the less they are able to give conscious consent.

All partners are equally free to act.
The decision to be sexually intimate must be without coercion. Both partneres must have the option to choose to be intimate or not. Both partners should be free to change "yes" to "no" at any time. Factors such as body size, previous victimization, threats to "put" someone, and other fears can prevent an individual from freely consenting.

All partners clearly communicate thier willingness and permission.
Willingness and permission must be communicated clearly and unambiguously. Just because a person fails to resist sexual advances does not mean that they are willing. Consent is not the absense of the word "no".

All partners are positve and sincere in their desires.
It is important to be honest in communicating feelings about consent. If one person states their desires, the other person can make informed decisions about the encounter.

CONSENT MEANS...

- you are never entitled.
- communicating.
- hitting on them before they're drunk.
- knowing your own boundaries and asserting them.
- asking if they want to be touched, and if yes, asking how.
- stopping in the middle of whatever you are doing if they say so.
- asking "Is this ok?" or "Do you like this?" throughout the experience.
- never assuming that just because they had sex (or a specific sex act) with you before, they want to do it with you again.
- being responsible.
- not punishing them because they won;t have sex with you.
- paying attention and stopping when you realise something is wrong.
- many different things to different people.
- enjoying yourself and your partner.
- more than what can be defined on a blog post.

"Lisa" ad...Blaming the victim... an update...

So I was really, really pleased to find out a few weeks ago that I am not the only one who is mad about this ad campaign and who is blogging about it. I discovered a wonderful blog called The Hand Mirror (thanks Nikki).
The women on that blog were equally ouraged by this atrocious ad and started writing letters to ALAC and ASA asking for answers and for the ad to be pulled. They of course got basically the brush off from ALAC. The subject raised a lot of discourse on the site and many women came forward to share thier stories.
They started a Facebook group about it, which I encourage you to join.
The latest movement on the subject was that bFM did a whole show on it on their show The Wire. Which I thought was brilliant...
If you want to follow the whole saga HERE is a link that takes you to most of The Hand Mirrors posts about the "Lisa" ad, including links to the bFM podcasts of The Wire which are well worth listening to. Also from that link, they have link to other blogs in the NZ feminist blogsphere that have written on the subject. Check them out...

NOW, here is an interesting development. I was watching an old video tape today. I think it was from around 1997 (there was an ad for Men in Black ;)) and on those old video tapes are old ads. Well one of the first ones I spotted was an ALAC ad. Can you see where I am going with this??
The ad starts with a pair of teenage girls entering a typical wild teen party. They drink, they dance, they flirt, the action start to follow one girl in particular who is shown drinking more and more. She and a young man fall drunkenly into a bedroom, she ends up on the bed, the boy gets on top of her, she tries to fight him off but passes out...the ad shows the boy unzipping her dress at that point the ad pauses then rewinds to a shot of the girl having a drink and the words "Where's that drink taking you?" are emblazoned across the screen.

So again, 10 years earlier ALAC has already done this - created an advertising campaing that single-handedly blames the victim, alienates rape/sexual-assualt victims, and is bloody-mindedly sexist.
I can't seem to find this ad online anywhere or reference to it anywhere on ALAC's site. But after viewing it I remembered it and the other ones in the series (oh there is always a series).

No wonder rape/sexual assault is the most underreported crime in the country with messages like that being bandied about. Who wants to walk into the police station or hospital and here "You were drunk! You were asking for it!!" ?

Blame the Victim

A series of 'shocking' ads recently started screening on TV here in NZ. The tag line is "Its not the drinking, its how we're drinking".
New Zealand is pretty well-known for using graphic images and shock-tactics in advertising when it comes to a 'cause" ie drunk-driving, speeding, smoking etc.... (Who could forget this one?)

There is a couple ads in the series that are very hard to watch. The one that I find most horrible is the one entitled "Lisa".
I follows a young conservative looking woman over the course of an evening. In the beginning she looks fresh from the office and tentatively sips on a wine. By the middle her hair is messed and she is skulling wine and dancing. The end shows her being practically dragged down an alley (she can't walk) by a very evil looking man whose intent seems to be to rape her.

here it is for you to check out....



The big problem I have with this ad is that it is victim-blaming. Woman always get the blame for their own rape. Always. They are always "asking for it" in one way or another. Seeing this attitude pervade to every inch of our culture is so sickening to me.
I also think that this ad is cheeky on the heels of the Tea Ropati trial . Here was a woman who was raped. She was brave enough to bring her rapist to trial and he got off. Because she was drunk and 'probably' wanted to.
This ad is just enforcing these horrible ideas that women are the only one responsible for "getting themselves into trouble".

I think the money on this ad would have been better spent on a campaign focused on men who think its ok to rape ! I mean, don't you think?
How about an ad, telling people that if she can't stand up then you can't have sex with her.

Maybe its time we remind everyone what exactly is rape?

No, means no!
If she say no, and you proceed, its rape.
If you start having sex and she changes her mind and you proceed, its rape.
If you are married/partnered/going out/dating and she says no and you proceed, its rape.
If she is asleep and you have sex, its rape.
If she is too intoxicated/passed out, its rape.

Those are just a few examples, but examples I think people need to understand more.

Anyway, I hate that ad and I think it needs to be taken off the air.